My Name is Laura, I am a survivor of Sexual Abuse and Rape

***Warning***

This page does deal with sexual abuse please be safe when viewing, I was going to change it around to tell my story, I guess I was trying to convince myself that my experience was not that bad because I am still standing, there are many children who have died from there abuse, however when reading it over and over, and re-living much heartache, although much of the details are left out in the story, those who have lived though it will understand you re-live the experience every time you think about it, the reason I am leaving this page the way it is, is that to all that are going though this in there life there is hope, I am not saying it will be easy, oh far from it, I live with my own demons everyday, and sometimes there are days when all seems lost, but thankfully they do not last too long. What I wanted most from this page, and telling my story is that anyone who has been abused or is being abused now, that you know that you don't have to keep secrets what is being done to you is a crime, you are not at fault, no matter what you are being told, you are never to blame, This is a secret that should have never ever been kept, It is ok to tell now.

For everyone who is viewing this page, especially my family and my Mom whom I love very much; I want to make one thing very clear, The reasons why I am doing this page, This page is not done to hurt anyone, I am not doing it for attention or revenge.  Ok maybe I am doing it for attention but, not for myself. Attention to the fact that Sexual abuse is real. And it must stop. Being a child is not suppose to hurt.

I used to think I was bad, That I somehow was to blame for everything that they did to me. And its very painful to admit that I still feel it was my fault. It is very strange to blame myself for something that in my head I know was not my fault. The years of pain are so imbedded into my heart and soul. The fight to find Laura in all of it is hard and sometimes I want to give up. I decided a long time ago that giving up was not an option, no matter how hard the fight is.  There is a statement that says Children should be seen and not heard.  I have never liked it. I think children should be seen and heard. To many children are here by accident and their parents treat them as such. Other children were very much wanted then hurt so badly. When I see parents who yell at there children, as a way of communication it makes me so sad, they are missing out on what is a wonderful gift, It is sad that they do not know it.

I will spare all the graphic details of my abuse, I can't tell you the date or year or even the first time my abuse started, There is not one single part of my early life that I remember that it has not been a part of.  The abuse went on for years, supposedly no one knew. I have never believed that no one knew.  I was told that if I was to tell I would be sent away, spanked, or that the dogs would be taken away. I received many spankings growing up.  Some I deserved, Most I didn't. Lost some animals as well, of course It was for other reasons I was told.  I have been called horrible names by this man who was suppose to have loved me. He would call me a whore, among other things, he would tell me I was to stupid for anyone to listen to me, He would tell me things like It would be different if I was smart like **** (this is left blank because it was different each time) Other things he would say I just can not repeat they are to painful to remember. He would say them as he would be doing things, Most of the time the worse parts would happen when it was dark, My room was not a safe place at night.  Many times other people were there, they just did not notice or maybe they did, they just said nothing. But, it was a long time ago...

When I was 13 years old, A teacher who I really did not get along with, decided that I was his own personal stomping toy.  He would tease me, At this time I had gained a lot of weight and was wearing glasses at least part of the time.  I was already so used to being called names that I did nothing for such a long time.  When I finally did tell that he was calling me names, It was to late He had already gone out of his way to let the other teachers and councilors that I was a problem child. (So no one believed me)  I guess maybe I was a problem, but only to myself. I never said a word in class I was usually sitting near the back or in the last seat, we were seated in alphabetic order. Again sparing a lot of the graphic details one day he said he need to speak to me about my grades. He was going to fail me, I could not take an Failing grade home that would be sealing the fate of spanking or some other form of punishment from dad. I had to talk him.  When I went into the classroom, you know how you sense when something is wrong but, you go ahead anyway thinking you are just being silly. Well I should have listened I should have ran. This teacher did not have talking in mind. What he did was a crime that I told no one about.  When I woke up on that classroom floor I did not have any clothes on and he was sitting at his desk laughing, saying you asked for it. you little ****(word you do not want to know).  I got my clothes together as fast as I could and got them on. and left. I did not tell about the rape until several years later, and some still do not know.  The remaining 3 years at the school This same teacher was teaching at least one of my classes and never passed up the chance to tease me or say something that referred to the rape.  I guess I lied, I did try to tell once but, no one heard me, no one would listen. But it was a long time ago...

You may be thinking ok, so its over what did it really do to anyway, So what you were not loved, get over it. Oh far from over, I have no doubts that my abuser loved me, He told me almost every day that he did.  He would even make me kiss him on his forehead and say that I loved him too. No one ever knew until right this minute how much I hated that. Ok so what was the real damage, a lost little soul, a little girl who was so scared of her own shadow, She was afraid that everyone would leave her. She could never have friends, not because of the abuse but because she was afraid that everyone would find out secrets. I never spent the night at any friends house, to afraid of waking up in wet sheets I would have died of embarrassment. Other problems, I was always alone never wanted to be around anyone else, I always felt like I smelled because of the bed wetting issue, I would always have a stomach ache or headache, sometimes both.  I would spend a lot of time reading about sex, (not porn) about how it was suppose to be about between people who loved each other. This was the 60's and 70's, I don't ever remember hearing about anything other than the child being taken out of the home, they would show the parents usually the mom crying saying I don't know what happened the child used to be so good, but now she is a little liar,  The children were going to other homes and jail because they were considered problems, but the abusers were not charged because it was a family matter. A family matter that was ignored. But, it was a long time ago...

All of this did happen a very long ago, some would say it's in the past let it stay there, I wish I could, I want it to be in the past, I want to not feel the results of what it did to me, During the worse part of my abuse I was attending church called The First Presbyterian Church of San Fernando.  Under the direction of the Rev. Leo McDaniel.  I say his name for two reasons So that if anyone knows who or where he is Please tell him I am looking for him. And the second one to give him the thank you that a hurt little girl could never do.  Rev. McDaniel always told me I was chosen by God, for something special I was a little girl I just thought he was going to hurt me too. So I never took it to heart when he asked me if I wanted to have my life dedicated to God I said No, I did not know at that time what it meant, Within just a few weeks after the rape. The Rev. McDaniel made the announcement that he was leaving the church. On his last day when he took my hand to shake, he told the new Minister that I was something special.  I never got to know the new Minister because I stopped going to church.  It was for a number of reasons, not just him leaving, I did start attending services here and there but not staying long enough anywhere to feel welcome or like I belonged there. At some point I just stopped going.  I will say what some of you already have figured out I was so angry and hated everyone including God, I was mostly just running from all of it, I wanted to die and no one could hear me screaming, or perhaps they did and did not care.

That hurting little girl did grow up, she grew up to be me, Oh no trouble there, I had packed the past in a box and put lots of tape on it. trying to hide it all away. A woman who still was so filled with anger that most of time alone is what she was, I did fall in love once or at least I thought I was in love, He left me for someone else.  I did not even try to fight for him. There are many problems that follow me around, Fear of the dark, One person I know told me it was not the dark I was afraid of but instead it was what happened in the dark, He is right, but I still don't want to be in the dark.  A few years ago I found out my father was dying, I knew that I had to find a way to make peace with him. I had tried so hard to hate him for so long, I never really hated him, But, sadly I don't think I ever loved him either, One day shortly after we learned how much was really wrong with him, I honestly thought it was my fault he was so sick. That because of how bad I had always been, caused all this for him. I can remember the day very well when I asked God for help, I was at work in March 2000 the boss had called me in and said they were going to let me go because they felt that I was a failure, at my job, a position that I had more working at for 7 months,   That was their words not mine. What could I say after that. there was that word FAILURE again in my life, it was a trigger for my past for it all came flooding back more powerful than ever, I was in my car driving home; when I became so sick that I had to pull to the side of the road. I was already on the ground so I talked to the man I had thought had given up on me a long time ago. It was really a simple conversation, I simply said God please help me.

From that day, Things started to change. I called a rape support group, I went to therapy started asking questions about my dad's past, I joined an internet group in 2000 where so many were talking about that abuse that they had suffered, at this point I really had not said a whole lot about my past. I wrote a letter saying that I had been abused. but not a lot about it. I joined another group in 2001 called Heaven's Angels, where I did tell my whole story even some of the graphic stuff.  I was so surprised when I was not judged. They each one welcomed me with open arms.  There was one with whom I shared so much more, she later said yes when I asked if she would be my God-Mother. And you can find a page on this web site to her called Meet my God-Mother.  Jo helped me get back to church and to believe that God, even though I was still doubting was really there and he did love me. Not just bits and pieces but, all of me. Me the bad little girl who was now the horrible angry woman. I worked very hard at forgiving my abusers.  And I am happy to say I do not hold any anger or any more hate (it's really not hate but don't know what word to use), I forgave them.  It really did not have a lot to do with them. It mostly had to do with me being able to move on. and to become who I am suppose to be, as scary as that sounds, I have never been what the world would call normal, and I truly pray that I will never be.  

I now belong to just two groups on the internet, Heaven's Angels, Sisters with Heart, I was baptized the first time on December 31, 2002. though the non-domination church I had been attending in the therapy office building, While the experience was wonderful and something I had been wanting. For some reason it did not seem right, I started searching again believing that God was telling me to give up that he did not want me, at that time I was not strong enough to know that it was not god talking. I started attending The Free Will Baptist Church. It just did not seem to fit right either.  But I kept going. On January 5, 2004 I found my Church home. I felt very welcome and loved. And on August 8, 2004 I was water baptized, This time was so different. I was under that water for less than 3 seconds, but I felt a change happen that day, That little girl so hurt ran into the arms of Jesus who was sitting there on the bank of the river that day.  I don't know if anyone else seen him. but, I know I did. I had believed that from the moment I went under that all the bad stuff would be gone, and my life would be wonderful, I am still hurting from my past but I also know that GOD is with me all the time, not just when I stumble and fall, but all the time good and bad.

This page was almost not included in this web site, Due to my own personal fears and weakness, However, I do feel that it is important for all survivors of abuse to raise their voices and be heard.  There are so many who did not live.  The years of silence are gone, It's time now to put a stop to this horrible act, And the only way to stop it is to speak.

I do not know if any of us who have suffered from any form of abuse will ever be completely healed but we continue on our journey hoping to find understanding and love along the way. 

UPDATE:  I wrote this page several years ago when I was going though the worse part of healing, All of it is true, There are still moments when I am overwhelmed with my demons of the past, I do wish I could tell all that once you have forgiven your abusers that it will all go away, the anger did for me, I do not hold anything against either one the men who hurt me, I helped care for my father during the last three years of his life, an event that I wish had not have happened, but I got to know so much about my Dad at that time, He was so much like a child and scared sometimes, After dad's passing I asked some of my uncles about their growing up years with grandpa, I did not get an answer until I asked my Aunt, the only girl, I did not ask how it was growing up, what I said was if I ask you a question will you please tell me the truth and not sugar coat it or try to protect me, she said yes, I only asked was grandpa mean to dad, her and the rest of the family, she said yes, but he always seemed to be hardest on your dad. after that I would get bits and pieces of stories, and you know I can see my dad as a scared little boy and the angry man he grew up to be, I have forgiven him of his crimes against me, but most importantly he asked God to forgive him, To be honest if I was not there that night when he went up to the altar in his wheelchair and asked for forgiveness I would have never believed it. My dad's miracle to the altar started long ago, I truly do believe that God forgave him every sin, How do I know, a few weeks before his walking to the altar he was in the hospital for what we though was his final trip, his breathing was almost gone, chest barley raising and falling, he was talking, what he said was, Can I please have just a little more time, there is something I really want to do before my time comes to an end, I believe the thing he wanted to do was be forgiven of his sins and just had to asked God how to do it. I know in the story above I said I never really loved my father, I was wrong to say that because the truth is I did love my Dad very much, I miss him everyday and I truly do wish we could have had the chance the know each other better. Without all the anger from us both. I got very lucky I was able to forgive, some can not some go to there grave's being so very angry and keeping there secrets. Please don't let a child suffer in silence help them, it doesn't take much a hand to hold, an ear to listen, and a heart to love the no matter what they say. Thank you for reading and listening

If you suspect a child is being hurt, do something don't watch

1-800-4-A- Child 

Do you want help, and don't know where to turn

RAINN  1-800-656-HOPE

The following two quotes were sent to me when I told my story, I do not know who the author of either one is.  They are very powerful and the first one is so very true

Real change is what happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go...

I cried a soulful cry yesterday, and it felt so good. In the mist of my crying, I felt my freedom coming, Because yesterday I cried with an agenda