Childhood Abuse
I am sitting here on the morning of September 18, 2011, bad memories are invading my head so sleep is something that is not going to happen, what is on my mind, years and years of sexual abuse, years of being called names, years of believing that I was a worthless human being…
I have been trying to out what to say on this page, I wanted to have this page here, because I want everyone to know that this secret should have never been kept, I should have never went though years of self-hate, shame and blaming myself for everything….
When I was very little, I can not tell you the day or the time or even the year, but i can tell you I have no memories of life before abuse. I always thought I was a bad little girl, Something had to be wrong with me was I really born a bad seed, why else would someone want to hurt their child.
It went on for years, Sometimes the memories make it seem real again it would many more years that I kept the secret of my past, One day I heard a quote “real change happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go” Wait What…
I can tell you I read that quote several times over the next few days, I was 38 years old when I finally decided it was long enough I could finally tell the secret and lets the chips fall where they may of course I scared, I was risking being called all those horrible names again, My abuser at this point in life was not a threat, he was sick and his time on earth was coming to an end, but I never did anything to disrespect him in any way.
So what some will say it was a long time, get over it or that was in the past, for those I will yes you are correct it was a long time ago and yes it was in the past but, unless you have been in the pure HELL of abuse you will never understand why I and other survivors never really completely get over it, their are triggers everywhere, smells, hugs, touch, words and most of the time everything is great you just never know when something will happen, Our childhood was taken from us, Our innocence was taken and we will never get that back.
Some will say it is over it doesn’t effect you now, Sorry it shaped my life, who I am now is what I became becasue of my childhood, both the love and abuse and caring of others all mixed together and shaped me, so yes it does effect me now.
At the age of 8 I made a decision that I would get fat so that no man would ever find me pretty, or even want anything to do with me, I can tell you that plan would work out great as far as the getting fat goes, I still am to this day even though i have lost nearly 100 pounds as of this writing, I am listed on paperwork as Morbidly Obese, what horrible words to hear.
Trust is something that i have a hard time with, I was always told everything was my fault, no matter what it was growing up if something was missing it was always my fault, at least where he was concerned, I had told my Mom that i would not tell who had been the abuser in my life but, you know it doesn’t matter now, because he is gone and those that already suspected have already heard my testimony in church so they know who it was
I never knew from day to day what mood he would be in, so i would have to walk softly because anything I had anything to do with would set him off, it was so strange that i seemed to be the only one that could do that to him, some of the abuse even happened while people where in the same room with us, but for the life of me i will never know how so many say they did not know, but i have found out years later that people see or here what they want to, so those that say they did not know it was happening i truly believe they had no idea what was going on.
Durning all of abuse sessions, and this part is hard to tell due the fear of people thinking you are more crazier is hard to write but you know i have overcome a lot so here goes..durning my abuse i would be there i knew what was going on i felt the pain i heard every word that was being said but, i was somehow in another part of the room watching what was being done to me, I never blocked out any of these memories, sometimes i wish i had not ever remembered being abuse but in another way i am glad i did because i don’t know what other way to be me without the memories
As was said in earlier part i always believed i was just bad, when a friend suggested that i start going to church with her, i really wanted to to go, I had already talked to the Reverend and i was really looking forward to going, of course Mom and Dad had to approve, I knew Mom would without question it was Dad that i was worried about, both said yes, and everyday after school i was at church as long as the program lasted, also every Sunday i was at Sunday school and every Sunday morning from the age of 8 to 13 i was in the second pew listening to Rev. Leo McDaniel preaching, never once while i was attending church did i feel the hate from myself, there were so many wonderful people there, sadly my Church attendance became something else, you will read about that on the Rape page.
Durning my years of abuse, it was not talked about and if it ever was it was always the childs fault it was becasue the child was distrubed they lied becuase of something, and every time the child was put in Juvie Hall (prision for children) or sent to a mental ward until they said they had lied about the abuse, i was not doing that i did not need to be placed in a mental ward, so i kept the dirty little secret,
But, I am the bad one right……